At the beginning of this story, I wrote about how I viewed my parents. But there were a lot of repressed feelings. Even though I was in worse shape than ever because of the part-time therapy; I now knew exactly how I was put together. Most people, especially the psychologically-inclined, have long since been able to form a picture of how things were in my home, but I will still share what kind of picture I now have of my parents.
My mother is a good person, and a sweet woman, who is always ready to help me. I always looked for security from her. She always talked to me a lot, and I liked that very much. She is always there for me, but sometimes I felt a little limited in independence, she would rather do things herself for me, than that I could do it. And she would rather think for me, than let me think for myself. And she warned me too much about everything, and stopped my autonomy. She also did frequently deal with her own fears, worries, and practical problems. Because of this, I never really had the feeling that she saw me well. Moreover, from the time I was born, I had to share all of her attention with Lauren, and I was in a kind of symbiotic relationship with her and Lauren until I finished the clinical therapy.
My mother was a teacher and was always good at explaining things. When I was little she was always very enthusiastic when I could do something well and I always appreciated that, in fact I wanted to impress her, because she reacted so well to that. Also, when I was older, I was always able to talk with her about myself and all my fears. But she didn’t really understand where it came from. I got a lot of attention from her when I could do things well, and when I was scared, she was always there for me, but when I was very angry, I didn’t feel like she saw me. And when I behaved badly, she didn’t put convincing consequences on my behavior, and then when things got out of hand, my father had to protect her. She couldn’t defend her boundaries very well, although she had a good sense of where they lay. Bringing out her own anger at important moments is hard for her. But I am very grateful to her for all those years.
My father is a good person and a sweet man. He was usually working during the week, and we would see him in the evenings and weekends. He wasn’t really in contact, but the times I had contact with him, were very nice. Then he would tell stories, or sing songs, or act crazy. I am grateful to him for the good things, but unfortunately as far as being a parent goes, the negative things overshadow the positive things. Namely, he lacked a convincing parenting role. He never set boundaries in time when we were annoying, as if he thought that this would automatically get better, and we would automatically behave. Of course it does not work like that. And if we were annoying and there were no boundaries, it could get out of hand, and then he would build up his anger, and as soon as he noticed that my mother was having a hard time with us, he would jump up threateningly, and turn into a monster. Then his features would change completely, as if he really was someone else! He would be very aggressive and hit me right in the face and shake me, and if I got angry he would hit me again until I was completely silenced. Usually I would be sent to my room, and then he would come up after a while. He then forced me to apologize to my mother or to him. Also at the dinner table it went wrong often. I would get angrier and angrier at my mother, and when my father would say something about it, I would be so angry that he would work against me again, when I tried to make contact with my mother, that I would focus everything at him, and then he would stand up threateningly and slap me around the head or slap me around the ears.
Sometimes I got a spanking on my bare bottom, very humiliating. My mother usually stood there looking shocked, and shouted “HECTOR!!!” but otherwise she did not intervene. Spontaneous reactions startled him. And before I knew it, I was either thumped, or he ran after me and then grabbed me wildly and hit me.
And the worst part was that I was a spectator to him when he hit Lauren or Anton, repeatedly, even when they were angry. And especially that he beat Lauren, my twin sister, I found even worse than when he beat me. This caused me to be traumatized not only by the fear of him destroying me with his aggression, but also by the fear of him destroying my sister. I couldn’t express my feelings to him, nor to my mother because he blocked that, or because she was hurt, so then I directed everything at Lauren, with whom I always had to share my mother’s attention. So it used to happen often that I would hit Lauren. But then I was so shocked at myself and I immediately thought of my father, I identified with him, so that also became a serious trauma. And when I was 19, I was ready for a therapeutic admittance, and that story is pretty well known by now!
My parents in turn have also experienced negative things in their lives, within their family, which has influenced them and made them more vulnerable. I realize that all too well. Thus, their behavior can also be understood. For them, keeping three children under control has probably been disappointing at times too! In my father’s family they were also always very focused on having to comply and my grandfather also hit him and so he was often shocked by a spontaneous or angry reaction from me, so he couldn’t accommodate or limit me. My mother also had her experiences of being punished in an aggressive way, leaving her vulnerable and unable to correct my father, and unable to bound us convincingly. As I said, it’s all understandable, but it’s unfortunate that it had to turn out this way, and I’m not condoning it. Such personality problems are passed from generation to generation in this way. Fortunately, these days there is more talk about it (the supernanny programs also contribute positively to this), and it is more common to seek help than in the past. And by doing so, you can also stop the problem, so you don’t pass it on to your children. My parents also find this very difficult, and are very sorry that it has turned out this way, because they see in such a TV program how it can be done differently. My parents always do their best for you, they want the best for you, and would certainly have applied a lot of what they hear and see. Perhaps they would even be overly concerned with what is good for the child, so that the child is overprotected, but I think that is still better than ignorant parents, who think they are doing the right thing, but actually make a very critical and crucial mistake.
