The first week of September so far has been a true battlefield! The attacks I endure, go on and on. It started with a lady in my mailbox acting very sweet, wishing me “love” and “love and strength”, explicitly asking if she can send me another mail, after I gave the impression of ending the contact. Taken over Antichrist entities often as well ask you for permission, because without your permission, they are not allowed to attack you, because they must honor free will. At that point, I gave her the benefit of the doubt. She sent me another email in response, again a very sweet email. I honestly expressed what it does to me when people immediately start with “love” and was just describing my feelings, but then I got back such a poisonous mail with untruths that it makes you sick to your stomach. She had to “watch her step” in her contact with me. And I would be “completely unadapted”, “convinced of my own rightness”, and “having an opinion about everything”. I couldn’t handle her love. But if love feels so oppressive, then it’s not love, in my opinion. And if I’m not right about something, she can just tell me, right? I’m just open to that, you know. People think they know me because they’ve read my articles. So she continued with more of that Antichrist-flavoured nonsense, i.e. aimed at rejecting your core (by the way, people who aren’t taken over can do that too, you don’t necessarily have to be taken over for that). Telling me “you can’t change the world, but you can change yourself”, putting a knife on my throat while she’s saying it, figuratively speaking. She thought that my authentic part desires merging, but my conscious part resists it. Then I can only say that I have no authentic part at all. There is no space there. I am so conditioned that I have come into this state against my will. To think you can read from that what I really want, is foolish. Because I have invariably said what I want, and that is not this merging. Yuck. But no one has listened. Resistance is my real self: it may not be authentic, but it is all I have left, after all this inhuman treatment. But these Antichrist entities would like to help you by oppressing you, so this resistance is killed. All under the guise of “love”. As if then your authentic self gets freedom to be. However, I don’t have that freedom to be, it’s not there, so stop forcing me in that direction. Murderers!
Then next my taken over neighbor also came to my door. Pissed off about something. And she took it out on me full on. I told her she was taking it out on me, but she ignored that. I then go into my care role, af if it’s a real patient you’re dealing with. She then talks about how she’s in treatment for her problems, and that she needs to learn to be more assertive. As if she would be sub-assertive now! No, on the contrary, she is aggressive, and I do watch out for going against her to her face, because I don’t feel like getting so much emotional dirt all over me.
Then I got an invitation to my nephew’s birthday party. I was going to go at first, but later decided I wouldn’t go. I do need contact, but I can’t handle people’s energy anymore. My parents, sister, and sister-in-law (my brother’s wife) were very understanding, very pleasant. I brought my parents the present for my nephew, and I exchanged some news with them. They weren’t even super hyperactive, but the energy underneath is still very aggressive. I feel this aggression currently with almost everyone I have contact with, because almost everyone has been taken over. So I just avoid contact as much as possible.
Then came a message on Facebook Messenger from a former therapy mate, saying she wants a reunion of the people from clinical therapy. Again, something where I have to make my boundary clear, so I got out of the group she had created. It’s driving me crazy. Besides, none of those people are themselves anymore, and they have all been taken over. Fine for them to have a reunion, but don’t bother me with it!
And then I think the doorbell rang. Must be the neighbor again. I’m not opening it. I’m really sick of it. It is an endless stream of people bothering me. And I feel the aggression radiating from them. And yes, then the doorbell rang for a second time. I walked to the door and once again the neighbor was at the door angry again. This time about literal dog shit. So I said I didn’t feel like talking and I didn’t feel like receiving all that anger. She was understanding though. She said, I’m not angry with you, you know. And she said if there is anything, I should give a shout. I noticed that I kept looking down defeated when I made my boundary clear. You can tell from that, how humiliating it used to be at times when I made my boundary clear to my family or therapists when I was younger. That was really not accepted. And the therapists even crossed my boundaries on purpose.
In the meantime, the fear is getting out of hand on certain moments. If I could still experience my anger, I wouldn’t be so anxious, but I am just too damaged. I do make contact with that anger, my core, and that allows me to write off me about these things, but I don’t have the positive effects of anger, i.e. feeling combative and successfully being able to fight off the fear inside. It’s damn hard this way. Anyway, I hope it teaches me to start trusting myself and my boundaries more. Fortunately, writing it off me, helps a lot. And for the understanding reactions while expressing my boundaries, I am also very grateful! In my mind everything is much darker than it may realistically be.
I will endure…!
