Oh no, I fell for it again. I went to my taken over family to celebrate Father’s Day. And it was a pleasant day. But you may wonder why I hang out with my taken over family when I know they have been taken over. Well, I don’t know. Once I am among people, I usually experience the positive things of people, but as soon as I am alone again afterwards, I only notice what negative effect it had on me. This happens again and again. It had been five weeks since I had seen my parents. The last time was on Mother’s Day. Because I can’t bring myself to skip that. As if I would then forget that they are not actually my real parents. Because they aren’t. They are very different from my real parents, but somehow I let the drama lull me to sleep, and then I feel obligated to join in the play. As if they would totally destroy me if I refused. But they were playing a lot of drama again on Father’s Day, and I didn’t actually notice it until I was driving home in the evening. What a weird day it was, I thought. My father was feigning to be angry with my sister. My sister had said during a walk that he was so negative, and that had gone down the wrong way. So he had gone back home. Then when I pretend it’s my real sister and father, I feel really sad for my sister. So my father had come back from the walk and expressed his displeasure, and my sister also came back half an hour later. Happy. It didn’t seem to do much to her thankfully, But I always think that it will destroy her, because of the trauma I have of watching my father hit my sister, right in her face, repeatedly, like a lunatic, while I was angry at the time, which caused me to completely lose my ability to get angry, because I saw what damage it can do. To my parents, I had already lost that ability, because I myself was beaten by my father when I was angry. Thereby my mother was always hurt, so I couldn’t express it towards her either, so then I directed it towards my sister, but that also got constricted when I was angry with her and I saw my father hitting her. So a horrible family situation, which caused me to be hospitalised at 19. And now my now-taken over family was feigning to be angry with each other. Because a little while later it happened again, and my father fired his disapproving words on my sister when she reacted a little irritated. My sister and I started to teach my father that you can’t forbid someone to react irritably. It’s just there, and it has a reason. But my father wants to forbid that at those times, and disapprove. And a horrified aggression comes up in him, when you don’t act like a little robot. Because you’re only allowed to be nice. You’re only allowed to like the food. You’re only allowed to say positive things. You must be grateful, and so on. It’s horrible. And my sister and I then talked further upon my father’s conscience. And he acted that he was touched. And he came up to me, gave me a long hug, sucked all the energy out of me, and said “sorry”, but it was all fake as hell. But in such situations, I play along the game, which I don’t really want to do. And then he says, “I love you!” So does my mother. And I then say it back. I mean that too. Taken over or not. I love them. But as soon as I ride home on my bike, I think, “This was weird!” And it hits rock bottom. And I know they’ve ‘treated’ me again. And now I don’t feel like dealing with them for a while. I had a terrible night. My prison got a little smaller again. And this kind of thing attacks my mind. It makes me incredibly anxious. And it’s like I’m in a dream world again now.
These Antichrist entities live for drama, all meant to treat you. And they keep going one step further. The crazy thing about this day was also that not only was it Father’s Day, but my father’s father (grandfather) would also have had his birthday, on this day. So it was extra Father’s Day, even for my father. And that was the moment he dwelled on his own trauma. But I don’t believe it. It was fake! But why do I only experience it when I’m alone? Contact is so insidious. It reassures me, where it should actually make me alert. It’s an awkward situation. And I am incredibly anxious now, because my prison has shrunk slightly again. That feels awful! They keep on destructively compressing, because they like nothing better.
Now that it happened a few days ago, I notice how sad it all makes me feel again. And then there are intrusive thoughts in my head all the time, that my original family was worthless, when that wasn’t the case at all. And I can’t bear that. Then I immediately start crying, because, then I’m all alone in this world. Normal people let go of their parents and feel their strength, which is allowed to exist, but with me it is not allowed to exist, and I am always in a kind of dependent symbiosis. Because of my father’s structural disapproval, I could not outgrow the symbiosis with my mother and sister. And so I am still in my head with them. But also with my father. But that makes sense, because they were all taken away from me. Without goodbyes. Without closure. Without me being ready. And without them being ready.
And then I find out today, too, that all the videos of a certain article are suddenly gone. Very strange! I don’t think I took them down myself. I wouldn’t know how it could have happened. But then I start thinking that they are deleting all my files now too. Don’t know if it’s true, but I could well imagine it. I managed to find most of the videos again for the article, except for one, and that was just the most important one. What a setback. And I absolutely cannot deal with setbacks. Then I curse everything together and am really very angry. Swearing and ranting. And then everything goes wrong even more.
Other than that, I am not moving forward, and feel like I am barely in control of things. Very unpleasant it is! And the anxiety level is very high. As if life comes over me like a heavy block, and I am not allowed to have any influence over it, and just have to endure everything. As I said before, the Satanic and Antichrist entities want to take control away from you. They constantly talk about how bad it is to control things, but it’s bullshit. Some degree of control is necessary, otherwise you disintegrate. And these entities forget that. They project their own exaggerated compulsion to control onto you, seeing in you the evil one, while you just try to stay upright. Especially with traumatised people like me, it is very unfair to take away someone’s ability to want to control. These people need it the most. Go and do your job with all those people who really mean harm, and really want to control excessively, but not with traumatised people who are trying to stay upright. It’s so unfair. If you have so little control over your environment that you can’t take care of yourself and your surroundings properly, then surely something is wrong. And they brought that on me by structurally punishing me for wanting to control my environment. Symptom relief that made me worse off now. And now they have stripped me of all control, and then they suddenly start demanding that I go on YouTube with my head up my ass, showing how lovingly I can influence my environment. Sorry, but I’ve lost that ability, at their hands. It’s one or the other with me. They wanted both, and now get nothing as a result. After being ignored again and again when I needed attention, I have completely lost the ability to demand attention. If I go on YouTube now with my face, when I no longer feel the urge, I might get a lot of positive reactions, that’s how it usually works, but it’s all engineered. Fake reactions. The AI doing its job. Incredibly fake. When I was ignored, it was fake, and when I’m seen, it’s also fake. Everything is fake. And I do watch out for growing compliments when I know my original sister is no longer here. Sod off with your compliments. I also get ignored by those taken over people all the time, except when I post something. Then they all show their faces at once. They ring my doorbell with excuses to read my energy field, wanting to show themselves as some kind of punishment. If they repeat this often enough, they think I will give up at some point, but I absolutely do not. I will get back up again and again, even if it’s in a worse and worse state. That is how I am put together. It comes from the endless source of energy I connect with, which I first experienced when I started having the aggressive fantasies, see Clinical treatment from Section 1 of my story. Most people look at this with great judgement, but it is precisely what gives someone a foundation to come to God. I still have that endless energy to get up again and again, and I won’t let it wear me down. By nothing or no one! No matter how bad I feel! Most people are clueless with their recurrent judgements. Try putting yourself in someone else’s shoes. Instead of looking at the world through your small limited glasses! That would make the world around us a lot better…
And by the way, I don’t accept things being stolen in front of my house either. I suspect the neighbor. She has stolen things before, including my bicycle pump. And then she rings the doorbell, pretending it wasn’t her, and that “they” stole other things too, when it was actually her. It’s sickening. But she doesn’t accept anything negative you say to her, very weak of her, so I always feel forced to play along again. So that’s why I’m saying it here. In that way I can still get rid of it.
