After that big crying session of three quarters of an hour this week (read: This Christmas… #2), I felt completely drained, quite battered and very anxious, just a general feeling of anxiety, not aimed towards anything in particular! As soon as I engage in contact with people at times like that and just connect, it energizes me and I can feel my strength a bit again. So when I was anxious, I decided to share with my taken over family that things weren’t going so well. My taken over mother said I could stop by, so I went right away. When I was with my parents, the first thing I noticed was my dad being a little out of character as a dad, but letting his Dragon personality shine through, with cynical remarks here and there, and that annoyed me and brought me back to my strength. At one point I had no fear anymore. My sister went to a village nearby to get something to eat for New Year’s Eve, and asked if I wanted to join her. In the car I told her that I had cried a lot about her the day before, and that I’ve become very anxious. I told her how I was still in a process of letting things go, and she convinced me so much that she was my sister, and not a taken over Dragon playing my sister, that I began to doubt myself. Is this what it’s all about, having people around me telling me that I’m psychotic, and have to doubt myself for life, and put up with these actors? No way, José. I’m not going to doubt myself, that would be the wrong way to go, because I know I’m right, and that they have all been taken over and are gaslighting me. I was feeling my strength pretty good. More so, I was full of negative thoughts about those bastards who took over my family. And so when I sat on the couch after we got back, I had no anxiety, but I still wasn’t showing that I’m so negative. When I finally left, my sister gave me, very spontaneously, a hug and a kiss, and then the gaslighting session was complete as far as I was concerned. It did feel so wrong! The nerve she has! First taking over my sister and then pretending to give me all the support I needed. Screw her! It’s awful! On the one hand I use them to get back to my strength, but actually I want nothing to do with them. But I don’t have anyone else! Only myself, but in a very weakened state, which does make it difficult.
I believe it was Adolf Hitler who said, “Create a lie so colossal that no one could believe that someone could have the impudence to distort the truth so infamously.” Yet that is really what these entities are doing, and it makes me furious, though I feel little of it at the moment. All the lies we are taught in school contribute to this colossal lie. In psychiatry they call you psychotic while you tell them the truth, and they know it, because I think just about the entire Center for Psychosis has been taken over by these entities. They don’t convince me with that nonsense that I’m psychotic. It’s more the bystanders and all the ignorant people they are trying to convince of it, to disprove you and the truth you speak. It is so disgusting though and the lie is so colossal, that you have to be of good character to stay upright under such violence! But they won’t get me down! I will always speak the truth, even in the plight I am in!
Today was New Year’s Eve. And I was going to celebrate with my parents. My sister was with a friend at her house, and they first came at 5 o’clock to bring oil balls, a traditional Dutch delicacy. Very sweet of her. The friend she was with had a strange look in his eyes, the same look that taken over people have in their eyes when it has just happened. Like they’ve looked into bright light. As if they were high. As if the life has slowly drained out of their bodies and the state they were in the last moments is written on their faces. Which is a mix of sadness, despair, fear, and being high. It’s absolutely horrifying to see it. And it could be that this guy may have been recently taken over. I thought he had been taken over for a long time, but maybe he wasn’t. And that’s just awful.
Just like my sister, my parents gave me almost no reason to get angry, and on the one hand that’s nice, because then I can recharge somewhat and still have some distraction. But actually I just want to rigorously break the contact sometimes, and stand up for myself. Break out, and feel the Christ impulse or my impulses in general and act accordingly. But it’s very rare that I feel the way I want to feel. When I’m alone, sometimes I feel it. Then I actually recognize it as being the Christ impulse. It is not being able to bear the pain of another, and from that feeling going against everyone and showing courage. I keep it far too safe for my liking, cause I feel so unsafe at the inside. And get desperate about it, because this is not what I want. I desperately want to let the Christ impulse flow through me, but my muted and repressed state, makes it impossible for me to break through and stand up for myself. I’m not strong enough for that. And if I were to stop taking my medication, I might feel more, but then I think I only feel fear, not strength. So I feel so incredibly screwed with this personality I have! What a total farce this is.
At 0:00 when it was New Year, I wanted to give my dad a hug, but he stayed at a distance. We all have a cold, but apparently he was still afraid that contact would make it worse. It was a bit rough on me, because it really felt like I was celebrating New Year’s Eve with two strangers. Later he apologized for that, and I still gave them both a hug. But it was definitely a weird New Year’s Eve. I constantly think negative things but I don’t express them, and then it’s a kind of adapted acting out that I’m doing. I don’t get to the point. But they are the only people I have, and am not strong enough to stand on my own two feet, because my strength is so suppressed.
And the fact that that power is suppressed is terrible. Because there are so many things in the world that I care about, and that I can confront, but I have a total inability to be concerned with things other than myself. That’s how bad the situation is. It just hurts when I get involved in other things, and have to do any kind of research at all. It hurts to think about things in the world. The whole world hurts! I can’t deal with it, although I want to. After all, I have always been thinking about the world for the past ten years, but I lost the ability when the Antichrist entities started threatening me. Slowly, my cognitive abilities declined to severely handicapped, especially compared to how it all was when I was 18. Back then I was lightning fast. Again, what a total farce my life is. And then to be aware that we are all in our last incarnation, and that it will soon be over. And that I then have to spend another whole cycle on Earth, I really can’t handle it. I don’t want to. What a shitty place it is. Such a fake world! I don’t feel at home here anymore either. I see everyone enjoying themselves on TV at concerts at the turn of the year (again, the same songs, the same artists, the same dances, the same light shows, the same fireworks) or cabaret shows in which the same opinions that come up in every TV program are brought up again, and where cabaret performers show that they are actually just very unsympathetic people. Yikes! This place is of no use to me anymore. I’m sick and tired of being here. The soul has disappeared from the world. Everyone is on autopilot. I don’t understand anymore why people do what they do! Everything is so unimportant when you’ve been through what I’ve been through! Without my real family and friends around me, I instantly feel like I’m a hundred years old, and in the last moments of my life. Horrible.
What helps me is just steadily continuing to write down everything I want to share. Continue working on my work as often as possible. And also to take rest. I need it, especially when I have those emotional moments now and then. That is really exh austing. If that means the end for me or if it means that I am lukewarm, as it says in the Bible, well, there’s not much I can do about that. If you ask me to judge myself, then I can only say: the will is certainly there, but the execution is wretched. And it is absolutely humiliating not to be able to act according to my standards! But I do what I can!
I wish you all a very happy new year!
