I’m having hard days at the moment. I feel very tired and inert, and if I sit at the computer for a while, I’m so exhausted after 15 minutes that I have to lie down again. And then I start scrolling on Facebook, and there I get not-so-nice inspirational quotes on my timeline, all of which I relate to myself. As I’ve explained before, these are left under Suggested for You on purpose, and they apply to me on purpose, and are meant to get me moving. This sounds incredible, but it is THE way the Antichrist entities I write about communicate with the people they treat. They use Facebook channels of probably taken over people to do so, and can show exactly the right quotes that match your emotional state at the time.
With these quotes, I constantly get the idea that I’m not good enough, and that I need to do all kinds of things that I’m not ready for at all. That it’s all about my performance and achievements, and that I’m not adequate enough. It ran so high today, that I left some rather angry and cynical responses to those quotes, which I only sometimes dare to do. But now, I didn’t care anymore. I was enraged. I got a text to that, stating that they now saw who I really was, and that that would change the tone of the texts. So apparently they just want me to express my anger and set my boundaries, but that’s hard for me because I often let myself hold back in expressing it anyway to keep the sweet (oppressive) peace. Usually I have an excuse that I can’t do it anymore, because of the things I’ve been through, but it turns out that I can still do it, and that showing a little more guts eventually relieves me. Because these Antichrist entities can really act like pieces of shit to you. And they need to, because it brings me to my strength. But they need more and more to get me angry, because I feel it less and less clearly.
Then I usually get back to my grief quickly, often helped by some threats that appear immediately after I’ve expressed my anger. So on one side they reward me, and on the other they threaten me. Very schizophrenic all of it. Then I put on music on purpose, so I can express my grief for the 1000th time. That way I get rid of it again, and if all goes well, I get a little stronger each time.
On Facebook, the song A Thousand Years came up, by Christina Perri, which was originally written for one of the Twilight vampire movies. It’s about someone who has waited his/her whole life to fall in love and finally finds love, which makes him/her a little worried. But despite that, he/she pronounces that he/she will love the other person forever. For a thousand years. And that he/she will not let fear hold him/her back.
I don’t find the original song a very good version, but I immediately thought of the cover, which I had seen and heard before, by Australia’s Hindley Street Country Club, a band with a solid core of musicians who collaborate with ever-changing musicians, this time with a string section and a girl’s choir and solo singer Gina Wang. The whole thing has become magical, and a perfect song to shed tears. It was clearly made by souled people. No fake shit, in other words. Fantastic that people working together are able to create something so beautiful. Original link.
During the song, I think mostly of my twin sister, who has been taken over by these Antichrist entities. But I don’t think of the taken-over version, but of my original sister. Her soul is now in the afterlife. And I carry the memory of her with me permanently. These Antichrist entities act as if you can only love people if they support you 100% in your development, but remember that I grew up with my parents and brother and sister from childhood. I saw the events that shaped them, and that, especially in the case of my sister, gave me an unbreakable bond with her. My sister (and the rest of the family too), is more than the ways they have of dealing with things. Her soul is connected to my soul, and I have always had intense care toward her in addition to a lot of anger toward her. When I was in my aggression in 2004/2005, constantly directing murderous fantasies at her in my head, I compensated with a great care, and an urge to protect her. No one would hit my sister or me anymore! And I would do whatever it took to protect her. So I also felt she should do that therapy I had done. As soon as possible, because I knew that as people get older, they would acquire defense mechanisms from harsh treatment of people, preventing them from getting the aggression up, and my sister and I desperately needed our aggression, as a buffer against the trauma towards our father. Because I knew how he had hit her when she was angry. But she didn’t want that. She didn’t want to become like me. Yet, because I lived out my aggression in my head, I also helped my sister embrace her aggression a little more, something that made quite an improvement in her depressive state. She was angry a lot at that time. But that did me good, because she didn’t let herself be mistreated and she fought back. When I was taken out of my aggression in the disastrous part-time therapy, I was determined to be as little angry with my sister as possible. My sister was treated quite forceful by internship supervisors during this time, and I feared that this completely caused her to feel that she was no longer allowed to be angry, the same feeling I had in that part-time therapy. And yes, she did get less angry. She became overworked several times after this, which she eventually fought her way out of with some help. I tried to support her in everything, even though it happened regularly that we got into arguments, but we always talked about it and made up again. But then, when I began to feel that I was being treated where I wasn’t officially being treated, and my distrust of my surroundings grew, our close relationship was thwarted, and against my will, I now started to express my anger to my sister as well. She ended up in a similar state to me, where she could talk endlessly about things and not really make decisions, and I felt I had to intervene, because it was becoming problem behavior. I know she suffered a lot of grief at the time, and to know that my twin sister, had ended up in a similar anger-grief cycle as me, hurt me terribly. When her life was finally ended by the Antichrist entities and her body was taken over by one of those entities, I was devastated with anger and grief, but on the other hand it gave me peace. It released my constant worrying. But I only started to feel this later on.
It is very selfish to love people only if they can support you 100% in your development. It’s not just about me, and other people may also need things in their development. You can’t be everything to everyone, but love goes beyond what someone can do for you. But these Antichrist entities act as if there was no love within our family, and that it’s so kind of ridiculous that I’m so broken up about it, that having lost my original family, I’m now also, letting go of my taken over family, and going my own way. They act as if love is just an action. That is of course popular to say: that it is an action. And people who think it’s a feeling are frowned upon. But for young people, it’s often just a feeling, and many people later often learn to put their money where their mouth is. Parents and siblings are the first ones you really love, even if they are not always perfect for you and can also damage you a lot. For example, I saw a video of a little boy who was devastated that he couldn’t marry his mother later. He couldn’t stomach this. And I also saw a video of a little girl who longed for some affection from her brother when they saw each other at school, but didn’t get it from him, which broke her heart. Both examples of loving and needs in that area. Children love their families unconditionally. And it’s not b lack and white, in the sense, that everything is or was bad. In fact, there were also an awful lot of good things in our family. That those were things that these Antichrist entities did not value simply does not matter. Because they were things that were useful to me and that shaped me. And that I look back on positively. These Antichrist entities mostly behave like cold-blooded butchers, who do not seem to have any warm feelings for others. Indifferent know-it-alls, who see murder as the most normal thing in the world and have made black-and-white thinking a true art. In their eyes, all those people they killed are the worst people ever. They must think so, otherwise they cannot justify the killings. They are not my people. I can talk to them just fine, but I don’t feel I can do anything for them. Especially not if they keep up their lies that they have not been taken over. They act now, as if they will not take over people who will be good for me, and that they are going to teach me to pick out the right people. We’ll see. Even when good things happen, I have trouble trusting it, just because of the previous experiences I’ve had. But I look forward to speaking to the first people who are indeed good for me, and who are NOT taken over. Because knowing that I have had that effect on people from my past (that they are thus taken over) is unpalatable. I still feel responsible for that, even though they may have been righteous takeovers according to these Antichrist entities.
The song A Thousand Years is actually quite appropriate for the relationships these Antichrist entities have with each other, which often last for thousands of years. The vampire myths, of course, are known for the fact that they bite each other and then the other becomes a vampire, something that is very similar to the takeovers they do with humans, which is how they spread around the world and infiltrate humanity. These Antichrist entities are true brothers to each other, something humanity mostly has yet to learn, so in that respect we can take them as an example. Ultimately, I am convinced that I will be able to shake their hands when all this is done, as crazy as that may sound to many people. Still, I choose now to have as little contact with them as possible.
