A person’s identity develops through interaction with the environment, and depends greatly on whether all feelings (positive and negative) are allowed to exist toward the parent figures, and later toward significant others. These are the poles of Lucifer and Satan. I learned early in my life that my negative feelings were not allowed to exist.
Identity problems have a lot to do with aggression. Suppressing aggression is counterproductive. Then you actually become aggressive. The core of your identity is in your head, not in your body, where it actually belongs. You think very black and white, divide the world into good people and bad people, and you think about yourself and who you are in the same black and white way. This makes it difficult for you to find a purpose in your life, and your identity will change depending on the people you interact with.
In my case, it went along with an anxiety disorder and a personality disorder. With that combination of disorders, it was clear that there was a problem going on in interpersonal contact. I was oscillating back and forth between distrust and trust in contact with others, and the aggression that this evoked in me was directed entirely at myself. The fear stopped me from experiencing the aggression I used to show in contact with my parents. Fear of destroying my parents and sister. But also fear that both myself and my twin-sister were being harmed by my father, although the therapists didn’t know it at the time. The disturbed behavior it was accompanied by, which was mainly the avoidance and the compulsive thinking, is a part of the personality disorder then. And in therapy, the interactions were aimed at addressing these disturbed behaviors. When I finished my clinical therapy, I finally had identity, but it was not yet a constant identity. I was then directing aggression entirely toward others, but had learned to handle and balance this so that I was not acting on it. When I finished my part-time therapy that was aimed to me learning to walk the middle path, I finally had a constant identity, but one that I couldn’t be content with, because then psychotic symptoms flared up. Something that was unintentional, but the result of overlooking the trauma to my father.
Through the various extreme states I experienced, I noticed that you can expand yourself with love (Lucifer), but also with anger (Satan), and even with aggression (Antichrist). And you can also contract/compress with love (Lucifer), or with anger (Satan), or with aggression (Antichrist). These are the 3 evil forces man faces, gradually becoming more evil. I will describe in the chapter The torus how they relate to the 4 elements: Fire, Air, Water, and Earth.
