The following time, I found out more and more what I liked and what I didn’t like. This was because I became calmer and less angry and because I felt more and more comfortable on the RIC. I didn’t feel as controlled as before, because on the RIC they didn’t demand anything from me, and treated me well. And I got more identity again and started doing more things. For example, for a whole year I took pictures at all kinds of festivities in connection with the anniversary of the founding of my village. I had previously been much involved with photography, and it was nice if I could do something with this. And from then on people knew where to find me if they needed a photographer. I also took a beginners’ course in Spanish. Here I met someone, who told me she had a friend from my hometown called Suzan. I saw them together once in my hometown, and when I ran into her on the bus once later, I talked to her. Suzan had also had periods in her life when things were bad. But at the time I met her, things had been going really well for a while. I never expected that I would be able to get a girlfriend again, but Suzan became my girlfriend. That was a fun time, although I didn’t always feel completely comfortable at her home. I always felt very inhibited, and could not really be myself, because I was afraid of the reaction of her parents. It felt like some kind of exam, to visit the parents of your girlfriend; as if you were constantly being judged. I never dared to speak out about this.
When we had been dating for a month, Susan changed a lot. She started having all kinds of symptoms again, and she seemed like a different person. But I supported her, even though I sometimes thought: what am I doing? Fortunately that went away after a while. After a few months I went to sleep with her on the weekends, that was certainly a special sensation and I liked it. At the start of the relationship I had already indicated that I was a sexual wreck, but we decided to give it a try anyway. But it was soon clear that it was not going to work out. The doctor gave me some erection pills, but to be honest they didn’t help much. The defective part of my personality just worked against me, and no pill can help with that. I focused on her internally all the time, and couldn’t reach my own feelings. The intimate contact made me impotent, although I did find her very attractive. And this can all be explained very well, with what I’ve been through. A person needs his aggression to get excited, it’s your passion, and for most people these feelings are allowed to exist in a controlled form, in the form of your sexuality. But since the part-time therapy I have to do without those feelings, they are very suppressed by a mechanism I have no control over, and I am paralyzed by the incredibly large capacity to become anxious.
Occasionally, Suzan expressed doubts about the relationship. She didn’t know if she liked me enough, and she wanted me to see a sex therapist. I felt so attacked when she said something about this, and I was so convinced that neither I nor a sexologist could do anything about it (and I still believe that, because I have never seen a sexologist cure a psychiatric patient), that I said that to her honestly. It went on for a while and then she told me that my passivity also bothered her (while she was very passive herself too). I said that would always be the case, because of my great fears, and then she broke up with me. This was bad, but I had been true to myself, so it took some time to get over it, but it didn’t damage me. It was better that way. It had lasted only 7 months. And I was more aware than ever of how twisted and torn I was sexually.
I am incredibly dissatisfied with my sexual identity. I have told about my identity delusion before (before I started the therapies). Feeling as if I had a female body. This was hell, because I wasn’t happy with it, nor with the rest of my personality. When I had done the clinic therapy and I had a lot of aggressive fantasies (which, as you now know, kept me going), I finally felt like a man, and I fell for women 100%, even though they were pretty aggressive fantasies that I had. But I did feel super good then and was finally satisfied with myself. And now, after part-time therapy, I feel super bad again, and on top of that, sometimes it again feels like ‘I’ have a woman’s body. And sometimes it feels as if “I” am only ‘allowed’ to have sex with men. I put “I” in quotes on purpose, because it doesn’t feel like it’s ME (the real Jesse) who has these feelings. These feelings always felt (and still feel) like they were forced upon me, first by how my parents reacted to me, and again later in part-time therapy, by how the therapists reacted to me. I have to be someone that I AM not, and that I don’t WANT to be. They are “compulsions” for me. Compare it to some men who have the compulsion to put on women’s clothes, and have great difficulty with it. That’s horrible. I don’t suffer from it constantly, but from time to time it comes up. And it’s always against my will!
I do make contact with myself (the real Jesse). I only want friendship with men! I only want to make love with women, just as I was when I left the clinic. Then I was the real Jesse. I now feel like ‘a wrong spirit in the right body’. This is really awful! I have been stripped of my masculine feelings with a lot of disapproval and under duress, and as a result I’m impotent as well, and the only way to stay upright under so much violence is to blow yourself up with your own strength, your aggression, the only feeling I had that made me Jesse! But then again, I’m unable to do that anymore.
