Dr. Peeters wondered if I could become so anxious that I became psychotic. Or was the psychosis perhaps the source of my anxiety? She gave me another medication to take with my Efexor and Risperdal, called Zoloft. When I took this, I immediately became psychotic. I again had the feeling that I had a woman’s body, and it made me panic. It was then clear to Dr. Peeters that the psychosis was the source of my anxiety and that I had a psychotic vulnerability, and she referred me to the Center for Psychosis in a neighboring town. Meanwhile, I vowed never to be angry again because Dr. Peeters had so disapproved of it. This ensured that I learned not to express my anger and that a healthy way of experiencing my aggression was stimulated, precisely because of the unpleasant treatment: aggression under control. Subconsciously, however, I now thought that I was only allowed to be sweet to women, and in that respect too, I clearly crossed boundaries. During these years I began to obsessively flirt with women around me. It didn’t matter if they were taken. I was so distraught that I tried it on with everyone around me. Of course they noticed this and predicted it at the Center for Psychosis and they tried to treat me with the help of the activity counselors at the Activity Center. Only I did not realize that at the time, because they did not reveal that. What I did realize was that every time I had discussed something with my case manager of the Center of Psychosis, I would subsequently hear comments about the same thing from the activity counselors at the Activity Center. They said they had no contact with each other, but it was just far too coincidental every time.
However, when an attractive and tough-looking intern was hired there who started spending a lot of time with me, I realized what was going on. I told an activity counselor that I thought they were being instructed to treat me that way. And the next day, this tough-looking intern said in response to a question I answered: “Well, aren’t you clever!” Which in that context was really completely inappropriate and very exaggerated. And then it became completely clear to me. I was being manipulated and they wanted to let me know indirectly that I was right about these thoughts. Over time, I realized that I had both positive and negative delusions of reference. And that the activity counselors seemed to have been instructed in some way to confront me with these situations, specifically by saying things that applied to me or were meant for me.
When I was finally hitting on several women (who all were taken) at the same time out of total desperation, and one of my colleagues, with the same name as my second girlfriend, Tanja, took the bait (she wasn’t the only one), all hell broke loose. Because my anger had now been completely rejected, and all my strength had been sucked out of me over the years, I was no longer sexually capable, but in the meantime I was constantly flirting with women around me with the aim of starting a sexual relationship. It was clear that they had to teach me that by hurting me, otherwise there would be a very good chance that the hurt I would suffer in the future would be disastrous.
Anyway, Tanja took the bait. And had set her sights on me. I refused. I had flirted with her at first, but now that she had taken the bait, I couldn’t give her what I wanted to give her, and I became so anxious that I set a big boundary. Moreover, Tanja had a boyfriend at home and I was scared to death that she would end the relationship and then be disappointed in me, and then she would have no one. So I explained it to her, and since then she cooled off. But I still had the feeling that I could only be sweet to her, and I was once again crossing boundaries. So at a certain point Tanja came to the Activity Center and said she felt strange, perhaps because she could feel my love for her growing again through my sweet and flirty remarks, but she couldn’t deal with that feeling at that moment. She spoke to our project supervisor. And from that moment on she did a complete 180. It was as if she was a different person. She now seemed to be actively cooperating in my treatment. And time and again she rejected me in very cunning ways that could only have been devised by very clever psychiatrists. I thought: is Tanja even Tanja anymore? When she hurt me incredibly at one point, and I now felt that I was not allowed to be angry or to be kind. Then the fireworks started. I became furious. I now gave myself permission to be furious, without it being obsessive. It was authentic anger, even if it was still very rough, and I yelled at her.
My project supervisor and Tanja were full of disapproval of me again afterwards, but one of the male activity supervisors supported me and gave me a sausage roll for free. It was clear that they were treating me in exactly the opposite way to how my parents had treated me in the past. The male figure, who used to be disapproving (my father), now rewarded me (activity counselor), and the female figure, who used to be hurt (my mother), now disapproved (project counselor + Tanja). It was so obvious that I was being treated, and that was fuel to the fire!
After experiencing this negative rejection from Tanja, I then turned to another young girl, Celina, who had one peculiarity: she was a lesbian. I didn’t care. I also started trying to flirt with her, until I celebrated New Year’s Eve at her house with her. I was completely head over heels for her again. A few days after New Year’s, she suddenly posted about 10 inspirational quotes on her Facebook profile, and they were all about me. It was clear that she had rejected me, but she did so in such a loving way that I was so touched that after I had expressed my anger to Tanja (who had rejected me in a mean way), I let go of all my sadness and released this anger for good. It symbolized my dear mother, whom I was now letting go and who was always there for me when I was scared or needed her, and it was a great sorrow. I cried for hours, it was so intense. I told Celina and she said that the quotes applied to her, but I knew it was a lie. This was not someone accidentally hurting me. This was targeted treatment.
But then the question was: is the Center for Psychosis instructing patients at the Activity Center to specifically help with my treatment? Of course that sounds ridiculous, and no one to whom I expressed my suspicions could believe it. But I became increasingly convinced that these so-called patients had been given instructions, but not as patients but as a kind of… agent of the Matrix. The people who treated me in such a targeted way had all been taken over, with the aim of treating me (and perhaps others too), but I only realized that later…
END OF SECTION 1
