I feel it like it was yesterday! My mother bending over me as I lay in bed, wishing me goodnight. I smell her perfume, which she always put on when she went to the Choir she was in. I was always glad when she came back from there in one piece, cause I was always worried. Being afraid that if she put the car in the garage, the garage door would close all of a sudden, and she would die of carbon monoxide poisoning, and there were more such catastrophic thoughts, which forced themselves on me, if she was not there. I had the same thing with my sister when I didn’t know where she was. It was essentially the fear of my own aggression towards them. Children still have an unintegrated personality. In the course of parenting, a child learns to recognize and integrate all feelings. Fear is a major factor that can interfere with the integration of aggression (and learning to control it). For example, you may get fear that you will be killed if you express your aggression in contact. Or you may get fears that your aggression will destroy your family members, even if they are a lot bigger than you. These fears all came true for me because of things that went wrong. I have been completely destroyed, and my original family has died, while they are still walking around, but they are not themselves anymore. They’ve been taken over. I can cry endlessly about that, because it does hurt so much.
Today my current mother and sister (version 2.0 so to speak) had a small altercation. And at times like that, what I describe in the previous paragraph all comes up again. I also used to have the idea that it would be my fault if my family died, and that too has become a reality. At least, I view it as my fault, because if I had sounded the alarm earlier, these entities wouldn’t have taken them over, because they don’t go against free will, that’s a rule, so the thing is that when you are noticing that people around you are being taken over, you immediately have to take action and express in works the things you know!
Anyway, my grief of this time is about disappointing people. Whether in reality or not, I feel like my sister and parents were or are incredibly disappointed in me. This week I had to disappoint someone for whom I make church newsletters once a month. And I reacted my anger at what had gone wrong to the people at the mental health facility who always print the newsletters. Later I learned that it was probably the mail where it had gone wrong and I immediately excused myself with a sorry email. That did feel right. But it still brings me to the subject of “disappointing people,” which I find very difficult. Also, after the unpleasant discussion with my sister, which I described in my previous article, I was put back into a grief state. She had called and said she had read my article, and that felt very uncomfortable, but in the evening I was crying over it again. She had reassured me that I did have a point and that actually did me good, but it brought me to a lot of grief about the anger my original sister had toward me. It felt like she had been very disappointed in me in the past, and I find that terrible to feel, because I have always felt nothing but love for my family. Yes, I was angry about things, and so was she, but that absolutely does not mean that you don’t love each other. It’s the people who you can be the most angry with that you love the most. They can touch you the most. Every human being knows this. Even when I was in my aggression, I loved my family, even though I hated them too back then.
But the pain of disappointing them when I’m just being myself does come up a lot. And crying about it is fine. Then I can put it behind me. It’s really not that I have an incontinence of tears. I cry regularly, but it always serves a purpose. Letting go of things so I can move on and come out stronger.
Also, my dad was a little irritated this week, but he expressed it honestly so we could take it into account, and that was actually nice. And it also went away again. But I’m good at embracing this with love. When my sister and mother are fighting, I’m less able to embrace it with love, because sometimes that feels really like pointlessly making a point of little things and continuing to react to each other, when it’s not necessarily necessary.
Anyway, it still feels like I’m in treatment! And I have to work through, one by one, all these things that are happening. And I will continue to do that. But now that I’ve stopped treatment at the mental health center, I’m also trying to connect more with the people around me. Even though they have all been taken over. That doesn’t matter anymore I guess. I need to feel connection with people, so I seek it out. I also called a friend on his birthday to meet up soon, and am going to play games with some friends’ son soon. I promised him that, because he always wants to play games with me, and every time I have to say it’s currently not convenient. Annoying. I am also on the hunt for electric bikes with my family. I have a moped, but I don’t know anyone with a moped I can ride with, and riding alone doesn’t appeal to me at all, so I think I’m going to sell it, and trade it in for an electric bike. That will give me some exercise, which is important with my diabetes. So my life is really not that dark or bad at the moment. My family is very kind to me: my parents unexpectedly invited me to eat with them today, because they had too much food. And with my sister I watched some pictures of our vacations from the past, which was also very nice. It’s just that the things that happen do make me emotional, both in terms of anger, and sadness. That goes together.
Someone with whom I had mail contact asked me if he should broadcast thoughts for me, as it were, that I would find out the last puzzle pieces of my story, but I declined, because I find it scary when people try to influence me, whether it is with negative intention or with positive intention as with this person. I prefer to be in control myself. This person also said that we choose our own parents, and that negative experiences are often meant to work out old karma, and this is also what I have always believed. And the more I hear about the lives of my original parents from them, the more I understand how they became themselves. I have heard things about my original parents from my taken over parents that I had never heard from my original parents. I guess they had a kind of embarrassment of talking about some things, and of course you don’t talk about everything with your children. I didn’t talk about all things with them either. But I’m only going to love them more, because they are MY parents, MY twin sister, MY brother, MY grandmother. This was something my therapist at the clinic (in Section 1 of my story, I call her ‘Anke van Brunssum’) also said at times, and that’s how I feel it too. No one is taking that away from me! Whatever I am going to lose in my life! I am grateful for all my experiences, for all the things that have shaped me, all the things I was allowed to experience together with MY family, but also together with the devils that came on my path, who are still teaching me things at this very moment. No, they don’t teach you to be evil, as many people think. That may be one step, so that you learn to recognize evil, but as soon as you can do that, they actually teach you to be benign, as strange as this may sound to many. So go straight to your fears and don’t be afraid. Look the dragon in the eye. And do that when he’s still a little young dragon, as Jordan Peterson says so nicely. Because before you know it, he is so big that he eats your environment and you. So you have your fate in your own hands. Remember that you are being watched from above to see what you do if it happens to you. So put all shame aside, and go all-in with everything you know. You don’t have to be perfect, as long as you take action in time! Don’t wait, as I did, way too long. And motivate yourself not with external things, but with your rock solid memories….
