After an unstable period in June, the lability continues in July as well. I haven’t got peace with myself. Never. Even though I’m living a peaceful life. Most of the time, I’m laying on the couch, reading inspirational quotes on Facebook, and watching tarot readings on YouTube. I often run out of motivation to do anything. Anyone can go to hell, in those moments. I am incredibly anxious, and feel severely punished for the video I recently created, (link at the end of this paragraph). Overcome your fear, those quotes on Facebook say. But my fear cannot be overcome at all. It will always be there. As long as I suppress my aggression, fear will always dominate in my mind. The fluidity of everything drives me crazy, and I am very much looking for structure, but am unable to adhere to it, because to do so I have to exert control over my environment, and I am not allowed to do that, I feel. The only thing that gives me structure is constantly doing the same thing on the couch, and listening to the same music over and over again. After all, it always sounds the same and is a huge support. It reminds me of how I used to be, when I still felt strong. Meanwhile, nothing is happening at all. After posting a video again on YouTube, I felt so bad about myself. I totally kicked myself down. Completely destroyed myself with my self-criticism. Felt like a freak. Ugly, twisted, sick. Then a text appeared on Facebook saying that people will continue to ignore me, but the time will come when they will need me. But I don’t have the confidence that I will still be there then, because with such enormous baggage, no human being lasts. I know what my responsibility is, and I know what I want, but when you get punished like that every time you speak out, you have to be very strong to keep doing that. But if I don’t, everyone around me is going to die, or at least that’s what they’ve threatened to do. For this you have to watch my video or read my previous article.
I feel less and less myself. My self is getting flimsier and flimsier, disappearing more and more, And the fear is getting bigger and bigger. Anger used to keep me upright. But they want to destroy that, so it makes sense that you then turn into an anxious mess. Also, there was another long story in my mailbox from a liar with whom I had previous contact. He is mirroring me heavily. Uses criticism from well-known YouTubers as his own criticism. Knows exactly what my latest search terms are (I searched for “soul trap”) and responds accordingly. So that’s not God sending someone like that, that’s just an Antichrist entity finding it necessary to harass me. The previous evening I had heard at a tarot reading that the love of my life would be sent by God. And then I get this guy in my mailbox. Go #&#!@ yourself! And that in turn triggers sexual fears that I have. Then in my dream I am raped and tortured by a guy whose face I clearly saw. And I lose myself completely and suddenly feel like a gay man, even though I’m not at all interested in men in that way. It’s an absolute disaster how I feel. And all day long I am tossed back and forth between distrust and trust. These Antichrist entities want me to be gay, and enter into relationships with men, I feel. Even though it’s completely against my will. But I’m so traumatized that I’m not allowed to protest, so am scared to death when I get attention from men, because before you know it, they rape you and take you over while you’re looking at it. And all the anger it evokes in me I’m not allowed to feel, and then settles around my sexuality, so it’s like I’m sexually triggered by men, when I’m actually angry at them. I’ve fallen for women my whole damn life, and men I only want as friends, nothing more. It’s complicated, but I understand myself super well! But the hell that has been created after all these years, I don’t wish on anyone. But these Antichrist entities are blind with anger and want to destroy you completely, and meanwhile they pretend they want to help you. It is a lie. And this whole world is infected with it.
It started in part-time therapy (read Section 1 of my story). There, at one point, they began to wonder why homosexuality was so non-negotiable in my eyes. I said: “For ME it is non-negotiable. What someone else does is up to them.” But then they kept bullying me every time that I was gay, even though I had never gotten an erection from a man. Only from women. At one point I was completely impotent. And then they were still nagging. I would fall for immature women, or at least: my relationships with women were not mature, because I could not tolerate their negative qualities. So they thought, let’s make him gay. Just talking down on me until I started believing in it myself. And later the Satanic entities and the Antichrist entities took over, blind with rage, and wanting to pervert people is at the forefront of their minds. @%!$ off! Assholes! Even though I now suffer from homosexual feelings, my orientation is still pointed towards women, and with men I only want friendship. And no one should talk me into wanting more from them. I am completely ^@$ing broken and can’t be myself at all. The aggression is in my system. I also have the right to be completely myself, so they should have just let me be in my aggression. At least then I would have been able to withstand what I went through in my childhood. And I wasn’t hurting anyone, because I had learned to handle it just fine. But then you get all these shocked provincial therapists, who immediately want to remove any deviation from the norm, when I just needed it to stay upright. It’s the tyranny of love. They all want love so badly, and respect, and loyalty, and empathy, and so on with nice qualities: the list is endless, And wanting to completely destroy someone who doesn’t always show that with their tyrannical compulsion. Otherwise I had a lot of good qualities, and I would never harm someone in real-life, only in my imagination I did.
I can no longer enjoy women at all as I could before, but I keep looking at them, and I keep testing. So I’m constantly disappointed in women and in myself. And then every idiot says, “That’s because you’re gay!” as if they are gonna determine that. But it’s not true, because I don’t WANT anything with men. On the contrary, I dream of being with a woman again. That’s who I am, but I’ve been so repressed and demasculated against my will that those parts are not allowed to exist at all, and I can’t be as I really am. Every boy growing up should have the opportunity to direct his feelings towards women. You should not prevent that as my father did out of a desire to protect my mother. Those relationships in childhood are very important for the development of sexual identity. You only hear cases on TV and the Internet of gay people who couldn’t be gay because the whole society is supposedly against it. But with me, it’s the other way around. I am straight, but because of trauma I am not allowed to be myself and am forced into the terrible prison of a (coincidentally) homosexual relationship. “Sucker, you fight it out with the men! Don’t touch our women” And then those idiots say again, “But there are also gay people who feel very free, so that’s not true, what you say.” What an utterly stupid response that is! I got that one from the family doctor once. But I’m not those gays, who feel all free, I have my own story. And I had absolutely no freedom in the relationship with my father, so directing my feelings toward men and opening myself up to the reaction means I’m also opening myself up to coercion, and tyranny, and self-destructiveness, never being allowed to express yourself, because otherwise you’ll get hit in the face and you’ll be oppressed. And especially because it happened when I couldn’t tolerate it, that causes a gigantic anxiety disorder. And that is precisely what all those therapists in part-time treatment and later the Satanic and Antichrist entities wanted to push. They said your feelings should also be within limits of domestication, or always be well-adjusted. And I just had to let the fear wash over me instead of fighting it. Well, I had it coming after I learned that, and stopped fighting. Endless engulfment of fear was the result. Instead of taking responsibility for their mistake, and then stopping, they just went on and on and on, giving me more of the same. Later when I volunteered at the Activity Center, my project supervisor kept hiring only more taken over gays, so she probably thought she could treat me with those people. It’s preposterous. One of those taken over gays suddenly started being a total fan of a band I was a fan of, just so I was going to like him, and once when we were alone once in the office space, he started playing a song called “Give your fear to me,” as if to say, “Jesse give me your fear. I embrace you with love! With me you are safe!” Gross! Like I’m interested in that. Men should stay away from me, if they want such things, because I panic, because it’s completely against my free will. But if I said that in part-time therapy, the therapist would argue. “But Jesse, if you think deeply about it, then you do want it!” Awful, what a terror! And then they thought that homosexuality was non-negotiable in my home. That my parents were against it. No, not at all. It’s me who doesn’t want it, because it’s self-destructive. No, my family actually wanted to make you gay, not directly, but indirectly through their disapproving behavior whenever I directed my feelings toward women. They didn’t even realize it themselves. When they used to say to me, “But we love you when you’re gay, too!” Then I immediately lost confidence in them, because then they forced me to be gay, in my eyes. As if they had no confidence in my masculinity. The only one who understood this was my therapist in the clinical therapy, who understood, that I was not allowed to be a man at home, and that I wanted nothing more than to be a man, who just wants to direct his feelings towards women, like any healthy boy. And now I’m stuck with a huge self-hatred, and a personality that I can’t do anything with and is completely broken. F*#@ing great! And then these Antichrist entities have the nerve to say that you are not a victim, and should take responsibility for your own behavior. And that you should be grateful! Even before you show any behavior, they accuse you again of bad behavior. They are blind with rage. Idiots they are! All they do is project their aggressive personalities onto you, as if you are the evil one. While I only want to be myself. But then they start threatening again, “When small men start showing big shadows, then you know it will soon be over!” and more such threatening texts! Whatever! Then at least I have been true to myself! Very sorry that I don’t fit into your ideal image. Good luck with your stupid plan! And from now on, go terrorize the people who CAN do something about it…
But I’ll do my duty again, and share it with the world. Maybe there will be people who can use this information. But these Antichrist entities need to understand that how I feel is absolute shit, and that’s the reason I can’t go for it and can’t keep on giving. But they like to ascribe as many negative traits to you as possible. Laziness, lack of discipline, no direction in life, and “If you make the same mistake again, it’s a choice.” And more of that toxic shit that makes you responsible, for something you are not responsible for.
