In the second-to-last paragraph of my article Behold the shadow, I describe how strange things happen in my house, like a range hood cabinet suddenly wide open without me opening it, and an ashtray lying on the floor with the cigarette butts next to it, and my phone lying in a strange place, but to be honest, even more strange things have happened since then. When I wasn’t feeling well a few weeks ago and I came out of the bathroom when I had just showered, I grabbed my phone, and there was YouTube suddenly open with the song Je Suis Malade, (which means “I’m sick”)! I hadn’t opened that at all. Very strange again! I thought maybe someone had sent it to me, and I had opened it unknowingly, but after checking, I found out that no one had sent it to me. So I apparently clicked it open myself, while knowing nothing about it.
Furthermore, I wanted to take a shower again today. I took off my clothes and put them in the box for dirty laundry I have for that. And I put the lid on top. It was pretty full, so I had to press it down. Then as I was disappearing into the bathroom, I suddenly heard a loud clatter. I walked back into the bedroom and saw the lid of the box lying a meter next to the open box, as if it had been launched. It couldn’t have fallen off, and then been lying a meter away, that’s impossible, by itself.
When I walked out of the kitchen tonight I turned off the light, but I changed my mind, because it was a little dark and I don’t like that, so I clicked it back on. And then went on working on the previous article I posted. All of a sudden I hear something, and my eye falls on the kitchen, which I can see from my couch. The light was off. Huh? I had turned it on, I am sure of it! Bizarre!
I could get very scared of such things, but I take such a high dose of antipsychotic that it doesn’t really do much for me as far as my anxiety goes. I can feel that I’m not feeling very well, but fortunately I don’t get a major anxiety reaction. But it is bizarre. And sometimes I wonder if there are entities in my house, ‘playing’ with me!
I can clearly remember the panic I had, during many nights, once I was a kid and had seen a documentary about the poltergeist phenomenon. It was about a woman who suffered from absolute terror in her home. Scratches appeared on her skin, apparently done by these spirits. She also mentioned that she always got cold before this happened, which is also a characteristic of these spirits. When I saw this, I was in full panic mode! Because that means that my fear to be attacked can even become a reality when I feel safe in my house, for example when I am alone. I spent many nights in bed sweating with fear and I was not securely attached enough to call attention to this with my parents. I would solve it myself, although that mainly came down to lots of suffering.
Also, when I was a kid, I once saw a documentary about a man or woman who was alone in a cave somewhere, and suddenly saw some kind of spiritual woman in a white Victorian dress moving alone through the cave in the distance. It made me panic! I found remote spiritual women with whom you just can’t get in touch even scarier, if possible, than a woman who has two feet on the ground and who makes contact with you. This was because I was cut off from my anger, and lost touch with myself, and from that position I projected a non-contact scary woman. When I was little, I was totally in love with the Blue Fairy from Pinocchio (the link is worthwhile). I thought that one was so beautiful, and that was ultimate goodness in my eyes, exactly how I saw my mother back then. But because my mother was never as monstrous as my father could sometimes be, and because of the insecure attachment to my father, I was dependent on my mother’s love, I also developed a fear of women, especially if I didn’t get their attention 100% of the time, after all I was a twin. I was cut off from my own anger and in the distance would see my mother busy with my sister and with her own things, while I was craving attention. It didn’t feel as if I was visible at all.
When I had accidentally seen Poltergeist as an adolescent, I also had tough months. I was terrified of ghosts. Was afraid that they could do anything to me, with no way to arm myself against it. After all, fighting something that is invisible is hard. The fact that they could enter my mind when I didn’t want them to was also something that made me panic. One night I was lying in my bed, slowly falling asleep. Suddenly I fell meters deep and was startled awake. I had the feeling of being pushed hard on the bed, and I immediately got goose bumps and chills. I thought: there are ghosts around me, I have to go downstairs. I ran downstairs to my parents, and was panicked again. Every time I went upstairs, I got goosebumps as an automatic fear response, so I was convinced that there was something there, ghosts that is. The next day some classmates were at my house, and we wanted ice cream. I gathered my courage, and said, “I’ll go,” and I went upstairs, because our freezer was upstairs, and again I got goose bumps, but I just let it wash over me, and then it disappeared. And then I was happy and proud to be rid of it.
A few years later, when I got out of my clinical therapy and I was lying on my bed one day, thinking back to my fear of ghosts, I thought, “Bring it on! I’ll devour you with skin and hair!” I was incredibly combative then, and that really did me good, having lived my earlier life in total fear. As a matter of fact, my sister adopted this attitude from me. She told me once, that when she felt threatened by an entity in her sleep (forgot exactly how it happened), and she said, “Bring it on!” Then she was actually attacked. Probably because she was still in touch with the tyrannical father figure inside. And I had totally learned in my therapy to get out of touch inside with that tyrannical father figure by using a lot of aggression.
Later, when I felt safe enough to explore it, I read a book titled “Aliens above, Ghosts below: Explorations of the Unknown” by Dr. Barry E. Taff. In it I read enough stories to believe that strange things can happen, although in my opinion it is never separate from the observing party, the protagonist. What is certain is that it can cause a lot of suffering, and that damaged people can be even more damaged by it. In that respect, “hell” is also an inner state, and it is never right for anyone to be in that state.
