Every era has its fashion phenomena. In the 70s it was flared pants and in the 80s big hair, but nowadays the tattoo is the new fashion trend. It used to symbolize the unconventional, but nowadays it’s more unconventional if you stay away from tattoos on principle. Because everyone has them. You can’t distinguish yourself with them anymore, although many people still think so. Some people use tattoos to decorate their bodies, because without them they feel too bare, too boring, not good enough! Not worth the effort! They use the decoration to get their sense of self back, and for that they need something external. Whereas I think if you were able to live through your feelings (whether it’s love or aggression), you wouldn’t need external things at all to make yourself feel better about yourself. Then you just accept yourself and other people accept you too, in all your beauty and ugliness. Besides, I have something against people voluntarily suffering pain. And if you have a problem with your body, then the solution to it should not be found in an external change, but through an internal change. Do you really want a world where everyone has the biggest horror scenes tattooed on their skin, forever? Is that what you want to project to the world? If so, is it okay for me to have my own thoughts about that? But here’s another reason why people put the most horrible things on their skin: wanting to keep people at bay.
It’s especially strange when young people get tattoos, because they think it’s rebellious. They do the exact opposite of what their parents or you teach them. Seems rebellious, but doing the exact opposite of what someone else does is just as much adapted behavior, because they still care a lot about what you say and do. In fact, they are always letting you determine what their opinion is, even though they don’t realize it themselves. Real rebels don’t care what other people think when forming an opinion. And a tattoo makes you a conformist, not a rebel.
I’ll be honest, for a while I got pretty turned on by women with tattoos. How that came about? A woman with tattoos (applies to men too) exudes that she has chosen to damage/hurt her body, whatever the reason. She radiates (and she often doesn’t realize it herself) that she is okay with you hurting her as well, and thus in fact stirs up the sexuality of people who haven’t fully worked through their shadow yet, and want to (often completely unconsciously) harm the other person. The sexuality then is not an aspect of love, but is a way to get rid of your rage, something many people struggle with, because of oppression or domestic violence in their past. If you and your partner are fine with that, by all means go ahead, but it wouldn’t be my choice anymore, and it shouldn’t be for anyone with a shred of self-respect.
I saw a documentary sometime recently where they asked women about their sexual fantasies, and a good portion of the women had fantasies of being strangulated. Feeling the physical closeness of your own partner was no longer enough to trigger sexuality, but they wanted to relive, in some kind of way, the domestic violence in which they were brought up, in the relationship with their partners, including the pain it evoked. In that respect, pain and pleasure are closely linked. But I am convinced that this is some sort of ‘female impotence’ within them. (Impotence is about more than erectile dysfunction, it’s about the capability to express your urges and not suppress them). The loving touch is then not enough, but ‘rough artillery’ is needed. You also often see that people then need and demand more and more from another person, for example through what they have seen in porn on the Internet. In youth culture it is pretended that watching porn is something very normal, but watching porn is often a manifestation of that same impotence, or the inability to turn fantasy into reality (it is really a psychological mechanism that ensures if you succeed or fail in that).
In the movie ‘Don Jon’ (2013), we see the main character Don (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) eventually going from obsessively watching porn to having intimate sex with Esther (Julianne Moore). In reality, however, getting from one point to another is often a whole developmental process, and it often doesn’t happen without a struggle. Sometimes a whole pattern of wrong habits is behind it, which may be due to the presence of trauma. A few examples of bad habits, are the habit of watching TV for far too long, or using the computer for far too long, which really suppresses negative emotions and possibly one’s sexual urges as well.
Many parents put their child in front of the television when they are little, because it makes children oh so calm. In a trance, young children then watch what is being presented to them, while they sit quietly and unmoved on the couch. I am very convinced that if you make a child dependent on fantasy images outside himself at such a young age, this has major consequences for his ability to create his own images in his mind and his ability to function in the real world. After all, what you see on TV is often nothing but fantasy. The same applies to gaming, in which many people let their aggression flow into a fantasy world, instead of throwing it into contact and opening yourself up to the critical reaction, which you can in turn learn from and harden. But I am aware that in some families it is not possible to express your anger, because then you are immediately stopped, or you will encounter disapproval, while as a child you also need encouragement to express those emotions. Many adults have to learn this later in life, because when they were children they were not acknowledged or there was no room for it. In behavioral therapy you often see that the anger is released, when the person is forced to stop watching TV / gaming or other behaviors that are too much. Ideally, a parent will simply set boundaries for that kind of behavior if a child tends to do so. Then they do have to give room to the anger that is released, otherwise it still isn’t beneficial.
Looking at myself again, I have pretty much withdrawn myself in my own house. I don’t go outside for many things, and I spend most of my time behind my computer. As far as that goes, you could say that something has gone seriously wrong with me in this area, but I am at least aware of it and don’t wish it on anyone else. I also have the same impotence that is so characteristic of our times. On a psychological level, this often comes from experiencing aggression from others too early, while you do not yet have sufficient reserves to be able to handle this aggression. So that’s a tragic trauma.
So on the one hand we see the women who would like to have a bad boy with her fantasies of being strangulated, and a wish to be put in place by him, which I always find curious, because why do you need someone else to put you in your place? Surely you should be able to do that independently. You are not a little child! I would like to give you a hand with that, but you shouldn’t continue to demand it, because otherwise you are impotent in bed or because you are not mature enough to correct yourself. Seems terrible to me to have a relationship with such a toddler.
And on the other hand, we see men who are just too sweet and terribly afraid of what women think of them, and have absolutely no spine to express themselves in a relationship. Whenever I see this dynamic again in dating programs, I already have to puke. It is the disease of our time!
Usually the woman immediately likes it when the man has a big tattoo, even if he has nothing else to offer and behaves like a spineless schmuck. And most men are no longer men, but little boys, who have been killed psychologically by their feminist mothers or aggressive fathers and think that they automatically deserve the love of a woman, as long as they are nice, which often is the only thing they can do. And then acting mad when they get hurt. Most of the people who pass by on those dating programs are completely insane. There’s always something wrong with one or both of them and I’m starting to believe that’s how it is in the real world. The woman is incredibly put on a pedestal like a queen or a princess, and the man is the doormat. I guess it’s a reaction to the fact that in the past it may have been the opposite for some. But to go completely over to the other side does not seem healthy to me. Man is really searching for the middle path. But most people are not really aware of this.
The quality of people in their ability to form relationships has, I feel, declined tremendously. In the time of our parents you could still distinguish yourself with a nice personality, or with a lot of knowledge, or a talent, or just by having a real glow. Nowadays you see very few people shine, and it’s all about appearance, because the inner self is just not what makes you stand out in a positive way anymore. A person doesn’t have to be the brightest or the most beautiful, but can make up for so much with a radiant personality. But people don’t know what this means anymore, because it is so rare! And well, then you instead focus on appearance. Add to that the fact that people first want to try each other out (especially sexually), and only then display some commitment, while both the sexual and the appearance are extremely transient, and voila, there is the recipe for a good future, but not really. The real measure of a successful long relationship is whether you can help each other in each other’s developmental path. Because someone’s personality also changes and develops.
I was always quite into romantic love, but I have changed my mind about that. I now realize romantic love is nothing more than emotional vampirism, something I’d like to be finished with. That mutual dependence is horrible and can even be debilitating. It’s juvenile and fear-based.
An independent person also does not need another person to satisfy so-called needs. An independent person has worked through his needs, including sexual needs, and falls back on his own personality. Those who have a compulsory sexual need should first learn to be able to feel and control their own passion and express it into non-sexual things. I hate it when people are so dependent on that. Being dependent, emotionally, is not often accepted, especially when you get a little older, but when it comes to sex, we all think it’s perfectly normal. Well, I don’t. A relationship should be a luxury, not a compulsory need, and that includes sex. No one is waiting for those horny males and females who necessarily need sex. Unless they are handsome/pretty or they have a tattoo, then people think it’s great! It makes me want to puke! The best cure for horny men and women is to hurt their feelings, so they will instead focus on more important things. These dating apps and sites: they are a freaking meat inspection. Only revolves around one thing. And these days half your town is on it. because very few people find each other or want to commit. See also the chapter Sexual identity for more reasons for this. It’s the degeneration of a generation! And the generation above us, our parents, are partly responsible for this.
Allowing all kinds of behavior, under the banner of “we are modern” and “I am raising my children liberal,” because they themselves have not been able to make peace with the negative aspects of the upbringing of their own parents, our grandparents, I find irresponsible. People have yet to learn that anger can also be something beautiful and useful and not necessarily destructive. Because now, a lot of them throw the baby out with the bathwater, and flee into the motto ‘I choose love over hate’. Whereas these two extremes desperately need each other. It’s all about channeling hate, without losing its powerful corrective effect. But many parents stop parenting when the children start puberty. And many children don’t even rebel in puberty, which is not healthy either.
Anyway, it’s not all negative, what modern times have brought us. People have become a lot more open to discuss difficult things. In that respect you get the feeling that you shouldn’t feel ashamed about anything. And that was different in my grandparents’ time. And that’s something that many of our parents have done well, although some have gone too far. Every generation resolves to do better than their parents. And it’s a good thing when problems that are passed down from generation to generation are made to an end. In the end, we are all in an upward trajectory. Sometimes you have to go into a downward trajectory for a while, but if you choose to learn from everything, I’m sure it will work out in the end.
