My internal prison and anxiety got a little worse again. I mentioned in my previous article that my brother and sister had gone out to dinner together, and that it reminded me of the old days, when we were adolescents, when they were talking pop-culture to each other. And that I always felt left out, because I didn’t like pop-culture, and because I was cut off from my feelings. I felt so pained that I no longer felt the need to eat with my taken over parents and sister, which I have been doing for years, once a week. I felt a clear boundary! Then I got into an angry state and shared my opinion on Facebook, in an unfriendly way. It’s either in an unfriendly way or I keep my mouth shut. As usual, I can’t take the middle way. And that is because a perfect middle way is not possible with what I have experienced. Basically, you need the perception of your aggression to walk a middle way. If that is violently rejected by your own parents, and your resistance to it is seen as a disorder, and therapists control the aggression again, then you will end up in a prison again, with a low quality of life, in which you will be eaten up more and more (also by the intervention of the Antichrist entities who try to treat all forms of acting out, which will happen again and again, because the aggression is not allowed to exist, and I hope every time I express it, that it will suddenly be allowed to exist, and my problem will be solved, but it just isn’t). I will have to deal with it anyway. But since the aggression is thus in my psychological system, really the only option was to allow resistance in all its glory as was done in my clinical therapy (because that is, after all, a logical reaction to real danger) and learn to handle these aggressive feelings in the process. That can increase quality of life tremendously.
So fundamentally, you need the perception of your aggression. So there has to be some degree of control. You need to feel that the other person loves you unconditionally. This is possible only if the events in your childhood are not so remarkable that you remember it, and run away from it. Depriving someone of all control, and doing so violently, is disastrous! Especially if you are not yet strong enough to do so. What felt very unsafe for me is that my boundaries and anger were always disapproved, so setting a boundary and getting angry was never an option in my dealings with my family and the kids at school. Then when you also experience bullying kids and all these other people who think the bad of you and attack you, when you can never defend yourself, the ability to become anxious is made a little bit bigger and bigger, and you cannot develop trust in yourself and others.
I used to love to drum, especially when I was at the end of my clinical therapy, but when I came out of the traumatic part-time therapy, my fun in drumming quickly passed, because every time I was beating, overwhelming anxiety came over me. After that, I continued to deteriorate and slowly became more and more eaten-up psychologically. Every time I committed strength to an activity or action, a fear came over me, which pushes down these powerful feelings. Suppressed, in other words. So I had to let go of all my hobbies, because every time after doing it for several years, the fear became too great again, and it suppressed my strength to do things more and more. And so I became more and more passive. A way to control the intense aggression I let come over me in my head, which causes a lot of anxiety. In recent years it has become much worse, because I can do almost nothing at all now. I’m sitting at the computer right now, and the strength I need to type all this is also being suppressed now, so I’m sitting here typing in overwhelming anxiety. And the prison has gotten much worse now that I’ve let go of my family a bit more by necessity. I’m completely open, and anyone can do anything to me, and I can barely express my opinion on any of it.
And then you have these Antichrist entities that have absolutely no sympathy for that. They just continue their destruction until they can make you dead or until you commit suicide. They want to destructively compress your core, but then you have to have a core. The only core I have is my memory of my condition when I got out of the clinic. It’s a memory, nothing more. But it has no body, no size, no aura, no potency. But they don’t care about that. It is sheer derangement that I have experienced. And any form of protest is suppressed, I feel, leaving me at the mercy of the destructive danger I have within me, which is directed to my core. The power to break the cosmic egg, and not care about it, and regardless of this destruction that comes upon you, to show yourself and walk a pure middle path, in which you set boundaries and break contact when people cross your boundary, is completely impossible with what I’ve been through. And they keep wanting to make me responsible for that. But I’m going to say it again, and I keep saying it: I cannot take responsibility for something that has not been my responsibility. I am irreparably damaged. It is an irreparable trauma. Precisely because it was an obvious action by others, it is traumatic, and you will always remember that the other person destroyed you. And that it is something within yourself that is holding you back. I could have told you that 18 years ago. And you can add 10x the pressure, and again threaten me in all kinds of ways. That’s not going to change the situation. As long as I can’t even get groceries in a tolerable way and go out to eat something, all the things beyond that, all the actions you are so hoping for, are completely impossible. Not to mention a God who holds you responsible for all the things you haven’t done in your life. If that’s the God I’m doing all this for, then he can sod off! But I don’t believe in such a God. I believe in a Father who admits it when a mistake is pointed out to him by his son. One who does not use aggression and frighten his child to make his point. One who respects his children’s anger, and teaches them to trust themselves, and restores their trust with Him when that takes a dent. Only then can a person come to full fruition and then learn to circumcise the heart.
And if I look purely at reality, I have to admit that most of the things I get over me from others are quite positive now. The texts on Facebook are not all that terrible, and people are being nice to me. But with every contact, I feel the threat. Even the good things feel like a threat, simply because that’s what I’ve experienced before. Having a conversation with people, it makes me terribly nervous. I then get out of breath, especially when they overwhelm me and I can’t set a boundary. That is also why I am in such isolation. I can barely stand it all. And then seeing texts on Facebook that I am so strong and so on, it’s the biggest nonsense you can imagine. I thought you are strong when you are tolerant. But with me there is always that suppressed resistance in the background, and the prison pit, which I want to break out of, but which I sink deeper and deeper into. How murderous it is to say to me in this state, “Always be nice to people!” and “You are always responsible for your behavior and your actions, and for the actions you don’t do!” You are dealing with people, not objects that you can just put endless pressure on and push and pull to achieve your wet dream of progress. I want progress too, but I have grave doubts that I am the right person for that in this irreparably broken state. And if you think you can tempt me with success, riches, relationships, friends, you are sorely mistaken. I no longer have any need for or interest in any of those things. So much for the masterpiece you have created, after all these years of treatment. Congratulations…!
